I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
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