I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Hey man sorry I got all grabby
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
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