you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
