if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
