If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
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