I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize