my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Randomize
