It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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