I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
