Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
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