I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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