dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
