Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Randomize
