its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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