i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
