so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
