I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
