turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
