I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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