Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
