He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
