Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
