just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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