my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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