I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
