I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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