Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
