just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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