Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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