Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
