I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
