My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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