I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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