mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
