My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
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