before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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