I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
