i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
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