i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize