at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
