I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Randomize
