god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
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