just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
