last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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