this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
