I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
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