EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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