let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
