Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
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