My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
