I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
