I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
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