I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
