If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Are we still banned from the library?
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize