I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Randomize
