I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
My dad just said "fuck circus"
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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