If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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