I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Randomize
