Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
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