I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
