Christians are straight up FREAKS
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
