My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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