I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
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